I am not a fan of conflict. I would much rather take the blame or endure harsh words or put my feelings aside in order to avoid facing conflict with someone. I recognize that this is not a healthy response.
Scripture calls us to engage in biblical conflict resolution (Romans 12:18; Matthew 18; Matthew 5:23-24; Colossians 3:12-13). In a world that seems to prefer yelling at one another, casting blame, and holding onto hatred rather than engaging in civil conversation and seeking to understand one another, it can feel almost impossible to try to live differently. Yet, it is because of the great conflict resolution of Christ’s atoning death for sins that we are able and empowered to wisely step into conflict to seek to make things right.
Our Reconciliation to Christ
For believers, we have been forgiven a great debt: one that cost Jesus His life. Left to ourselves, we are enemies in conflict with God. There is nothing we could do to make up for our sin, and our sin eternally separates us from God.
This is why Jesus came to earth as fully God and fully man. He lived the life we couldn’t live in perfect obedience to God the Father. He took on the punishment that you and I deserve for our rebellion by dying on the cross. His resurrection secures our victory and reconciliation to God.
When we were essentially running away from God, Jesus pursued us. No matter what sins we have committed whether willfully or by omission, Jesus promises that we can be reconciled by simply coming to Him in faith.
Romans 10:9-10 tells us that “if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and thus has righteousness and with the mouth one confesses and thus has salvation.”
When we can fully understand the depth to which we have been forgiven of our sins, it helps us to keep the wrongs we commit and the wrongs committed by others in an eternal perspective. We have been forgiven much, and we are to forgive others in turn.
Our Reconciliation to Others
For some, the thought of forgiving or engaging in conflict resolution with that person sounds impossible. You may be thinking, “You have no idea what they did to me.” To that, I would say I’m so sorry that you have been hurt in that way.
The brokenness of this world is painful and makes relationships hard. That is not God’s heart for His people. I would remind you that forgiveness is not excusing sin or jumping right to trusting someone immediately. Instead, it is giving the hurt over to God and leaving justice to Him.
Conflict resolution is not always easy to engage in, especially when the other party may not be in the most rational or loving disposition. But, it is still our responsibility as believers to do what we can to seek reconciliation.
It is not up to us to change hearts, That is the work of the Holy Spirit. We’re not guaranteed for conflict resolution to go well, but we are promised to not be alone in the midst of it. But how do we do it?
The Steps of Reconciliation
When determining if conflict resolution is needed, there are a few questions we can ask ourselves.
- Am I in conflict?
- Can I overlook it?
- What is my part to own?
- How can I seek reconciliation?
First, we must figure out if we’re even in conflict. Sometimes, the answer is a resounding yes. Other times, it can be hard to determine. If you find yourself avoiding someone, speaking poorly about them to others, or have trust broken with them, it is more than likely conflict that needs to be addressed.
The next question to address is if the offense is something that can be overlooked. Not every conflict is something that needs to be addressed (Proverbs 19:11). But also, avoiding conflict is not the same thing as making peace. Sometimes it is to our benefit to overlook a mistake, someone having a bad day, or even to accept the situation for what it is and move on. There are other times, though, that a conflict or offense does need to be addressed. If a person has done something that blatantly goes against God or if it is hurting others or themselves, then it does need to be addressed.
The third part is honestly one of the hardest parts of conflict resolution. We must figure out what and if we have a part to own in a conflict, whether big or small. It goes a long way if we can enter a conversation for asking for forgiveness for the role we played in the conflict rather than waiting on the other person to own 100% of the conflict.
Our pride wants to tell us that we haven’t done anything wrong and that it is completely the other person’s fault. That may be the case every once in a while. But more than likely, you have done something as well to contribute to the conflict.
Finally, you must decide how you are going to initiate reconciliation. Whether a situation requires a simple apology, a long conversation to understand where the other person is coming from, a letter to make amends, God is honored when we seek reconciliation.
Before you enter into the conversation, pray. Pray for your own heart as well as the other person’s. Ask God to help you listen and be humble throughout the conversation. Ask Him to help you keep your emotions calm and to trust Him with the outcome.
Once you enter into this conversation, start with an apology. Ask questions to understand more of where the other person is coming from. More than likely, there is more going on with that person than you know about. Ask for forgiveness for your part of the situation. Then accept the consequences.
The hope is that the relationship can be fully restored and that it can be a testament to the Lord’s goodness and work in both of your lives. However, it may be that the relationship may not look the same ever again. Again, it’s not your responsibility to change hearts. It also may be a situation where trust is built over time.
The biggest thing to remember is that you’ve done your part in seeking reconciliation. If it is a situation that requires further conversation, you can always ask to bring in a third party to help mediate.
Conflict is not something we have to avoid. We can be wise in the way that we engage with others seeking to make peace and keep peace (Matthew 5:9). The Holy Spirit is with you, and He will guide you through it all.
