Forgiving through Prayer
In my college years, I attended a Christian university and lived in a dormitory with 200 other women. I participated in countless romcom movie nights, painted a lot of nails, and helped quite a few friends get ready for a first date. As you might imagine, with 200 women living in close quarters day in and day out, I lived through a lot of drama. You know the kind of drama I’m talking about…a roommate borrows a sweater without asking or two girls are crushing on the same guy in their biology lab or despite a cleaning chart there are always dirty dishes still left in the shared kitchen. Most of the time these kinds of situations were resolved easily with a little communication, a sincere apology, and genuine forgiveness. Sometimes a problem escalated.
The Struggle to Forgive
One of my most profound memories from college is during one such season. I had been deeply hurt by a hallmate I considered a friend and was struggling to forgive her. The tear in our friendship was not only impacting us but grew to the point that some of our mutual friends stopped hanging out with her due to my bitterness seeping into their personal feelings as well.
Eventually, I reached out to meet with the Resident Director of our building to talk about the situation. She patiently sat through my story without contributing any thoughts or interjections. Even as I finished, she quietly waited to see if I had anything left to say. I had recounted the story from start to finish, and I felt really justified in my hurt and bitterness. As I sat in that silence waiting for a response, I started to squirm a bit and wondered what she would say.
Finally I blurted out, “I think if she would just apologize, then I would be able to forgive her.” She kindly smiled at me, thanked me for sharing my story, and then asked, “So have you been praying for her?”
I was taken aback for a minute. That was not the question I was expecting. A few seconds later, I affirmed that yes, I had been praying that God would convict her and make her apologize as well as see how selfish she had been and would feel remorse for hurting me. I also added that I had been asking God to help me forgive her. Yet my feelings for her seemed to be stuck in enemy territory.
She looked at me and said, “Do you think maybe that’s because you are praying for her as if she is your enemy and not a sister in Christ?” She encouraged me to try praying scripture over my hallmate for one week. Instead of praying for her to see her wrongdoing, I was to pray that she would grow in the knowledge of God’s love for her. For the next week, I prayed that God would give her peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7), that God would help guard her heart (Proverbs 4:23), and that she would see God’s mercies each and every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). I also prayed that she would succeed in her studies, have fun with her friends, and more. I began to pray for her good, though I must admit it was difficult in the beginning.
A Change in Perspective
Day by day, I noticed a change. As I intentionally prayed for her as a sister in Christ, God began to soften my heart. I began to see her as God saw her, a beloved child of the King.
When we can see someone as God sees them, we can start to understand forgiveness. Forgiveness is not always something that is earned or even deserved. But for believers, it is something we are to generously give because we have been given the gift of forgiveness by God even when we were dead in our sins and trespasses (Romans 5:8).
When I understand how God sees the people in my life in need of forgiveness, I begin to want for them what God wants. I begin to want good for them too.
Seeing Others Through God’s Eyes
Since then, I’ve found that when I’m struggling to forgive someone, it’s often due to seeing them through the lens of hurt and self-righteousness rather than through the lens of God’s heart. Prayer has become an important and necessary tool that God uses to clear my vision and return my thoughts and feelings towards others.
Yes, the Lord uses many different ways to lead us in forgiveness. But next time you find yourself struggling to forgive someone, try praying for their good. Ask God to give you His heart for them. I truly believe God will answer.
