Last year was perhaps one of the most difficult, yet the most beautiful year of my life so far. I cried a lot and I laughed just as much. I was healthy but also sick at times. I was happy, but more than that I was also sad. I had hard days; so hard actually, that at times I didn’t think I was going to make it.
January began with giving my notice at work. I thought about it for a long time, and it was a good decision. I knew it would be hard but I also saw no other choice except to leave. When I spent time home alone, all sorts of things came to mind. I was excited to enjoy my free time and also experienced fear about how I would survive. I experienced anxiety, fear, and feelings of hopelessness about what the future held.
I filled my time with a new challenge, the writing of a blog. Finally, I had something creative to do, something that could fill me and something I could use to better this world. I wrote about myself and from the heart, about what I had gone through, what I was experiencing, and about things yet to come. But inside, I was still not content. Something was still missing.
I longed for another child. I prayed every day to God: Lord, You know what I truly long for, what I need most. You know how for years now I have longed for a second child but we just couldn’t. Thank You for the son I have. I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I am, but the emptiness in my heart can be so unbearable sometimes.
As I sat praying, I heard the noise of the children in the daycare next door. For the next several months I could not get the thought of those children out of my head. I had always wanted to care for children, but it seemed so far out of reach to become a daycare teacher. Instead of pursuing what God had put on my heart as a dream, I applied for jobs in my old field, as an administrative assistant. I had several interviews, but nothing materialized. I was devastated but still trusted the Lord.
Finally, after many months, God opened the door for me to go back to school to earn a degree so I could become a teacher. After 20 years of being out of school, studying again was difficult. I color-coded everything. I memorized everything word for word, yet still felt as though I knew nothing. I faithfully attended classes every night, getting closer and closer to my goal. Even still, my fear was present and the idea of placement coming at the end of my program haunted me.
Finally, when it did come, God placed me in the daycare next to my house. Now the noisy children are real and each has a name I know. They are each amazing. On my first day, a sweet little girl in pink hugged me. After a few days, she called me “Mom.” Mom. I was so happy. I felt the Lord giving me abundantly more than I could have asked for.
When my placement was nearing its end, I began to fear my final exams and whether or not I would find a job once I finished the program. One day, I saw a sign for a new daycare. I called them immediately. Though I feared it would not work out, I took a step of faith. The woman on the phone told me to come in the following day. I had not even taken my final exams, but she offered me a job. I thought I was dreaming; I couldn’t believe it was real.
I learned so much over those months of waiting, working, and watching God work on my behalf behind the scenes. I learned to trust Him for more than I can imagine. I learned to trust God to care for me and provide for my deepest longings. I learned to believe that God sees the deepest desires of my heart and wants to meet them. He gave me so much more than I could ever have imagined, so much more than I could ever have asked for. I longed for another child, He gave me many children. I longed for a new, satisfying job, He gave me my dream job with a boss I love.
Dear friends, do not fear tomorrow. When we lay our burdens before the Lord we can be confident He will answer our prayers. Believe He will care for you. Whatever it is God may bring our way, we can trust it will be the best for us.