Almost twenty years ago, my father gave me some advice that I have often returned to. He said, “If God has laid a calling on your heart, He will find a way to bring it to fruition.” You do not have to worry that the calling will expire or disappear. It may not be according to the timeline you imagined or look the way you envisioned, but the seeds God plants in your heart will grow into what He intends if you can remain faithful and patient.
This is my story of brokenness and redemption: of infertility and loss coupled with learning to trust God’s goodness.
I know it’s cliche, but from an early age I knew I wanted to be a mama. It was part of who God created me to be – a parent. Years later, I married a wonderful man and knew that together we would raise beautiful children. However, that didn’t happen the way I imagined it would. Instead, while all of our friends were having babies, we struggled through negative pregnancy tests month after month and the discovery that I had fertility issues. After testing, and treatment, and more testing, and more treatments, it felt as if our dream of becoming parents was slipping further and further away. The dark emptiness of infertility set in.
Everything felt so hopeless.
So broken.
So impossibly sad.
And it dictated our lives. The treatments, the tests, the medications, the schedules, the holding our breath to see if it worked — it was all we ever thought about. I knew God had called me to be a mama. Why wasn’t it working? Why couldn’t I fulfill my calling? I eventually did become pregnant. We were so overjoyed. But, things quickly changed during the 9th week of my pregnancy when we learned that our perfect little baby – whose ultrasound had shown a strong heartbeat just two weeks earlier – had stopped growing. As I stared at the still screen, the words of my doctor echoed in my ears, “I’m sorry. There is no heartbeat. Your baby is gone.” I was beside myself with grief and mourned the loss of that baby so deeply that I spiraled into a depression.
Infertility and loss are socially taboo – they aren’t topics that most people are comfortable discussing in casual conversation. At some point, deep in the darkness, I realized I had become isolated – not just socially, but I had also pulled away from God. Anger and hurt had sprung from my obsession with becoming a parent. Without realizing it, I had lifted up my attempts to bear a child as the most important thing in my life and it had consumed me. The emotions that accompanied the infertility and loss — grief, anger, doubt, jealousy, depression, and isolation – became unmanageable. My sweet husband and family did their best to support me. But it wasn’t enough. I realized that I needed to lean heavily on the Lord to get through this dark time. I surrendered my desire to conceive. My prayer changed from, “Lord, please give me a baby,” to “God, please hold my heaven-born baby in your arms because I can’t.”
The time that followed my miscarriage turned out to be one of the richest spiritual times in my life. I learned to lean in deeply to God and to trust Him to care for me. I began to pour my energy into focusing on my relationship with Him instead of on getting pregnant. My faith grew. My marriage strengthened. My depression faded. I began to see His goodness all around me. It’s so ironic: my infertility led to such a fertile spiritual time. While the personal and spiritual redemption I experienced was incredible on its own, my story doesn’t end there. Down the road, I became pregnant again- but this time was different- no tests, no treatments. I gave birth to a healthy, perfect, beautiful little boy. When I shifted my focus from my empty childless hands to being held in the hands of my Creator, my entire perspective changed. I could see what a gift I had been given through my brokenness- God had led me through deep waters and allowed my faith to grown in ways that made me a better wife, mother, and person. And true to what my father had counseled me years ago, God allowed me to fulfill the calling he placed on my heart to become a parent. Even though it wasn’t according to my timeline and the journey didn’t look the way I thought it would, there it was just the same.
God had taken my brokenness and redeemed it. And it was perfect.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26
Humbly His,
Greer
Greer is the daughter of a preacher and a teacher and lives in the South with her husband, young son, one dog, three cats, two frogs, and a fish. It may sound like a zoo, but she wouldn’t have it any other way! She works as the director of early literacy for a non-profit educational foundation. A prayer warrior by nature, she often finds that she connects with God in the little moments throughout the day (and night!). She’s grateful for the strong women that God has placed in her life who support and encourage her and she loves meeting new people and seeing how God is moving in their lives.
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We’re in Week 3 of our Broken & Redeemed study! Grab your favorite beverage, crack open your Bible, and together let’s rejoice with the broken and redeemed of God.
You can grab a copy of our Broken & Redeemed journal on Amazon here or download it at this location.
We also have a corresponding kid’s Broken & Redeemed journal geared for children in elementary grades. You can grab a copy on Amazon at this location.
Greer thank you for sharing such a hard but beautiful story. Lots of love orla
Orla, thank you so much for joining us today! I stand amazed at how this study has impacted me personally.
Wow. Greer, I want to thank you for your testimony. What a beautiful story of faithfulness in the midst of brokenness. I personally have not had fertility issues however, my last pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. My heart so desperately wanted a sibling for my youngest child that was close to his age. It wasn’t God’s plan and I’ve had to come to accept that over the years. Your story brings a comfort knowing that God is in the midst of it. Thank you.
Victoria, I am so sorry for your hardship and loss. Sometimes accepting God’s will is so hard. I know for me it has been. Thank you for joining us and sharing with us. Prayers for you today.
Such a beautiful story of redemption, Greer! Thank you for sharing and giving so much hope to other women! God is so good! I have never struggled with infertility, but I am getting so much out of this study! I didn’t realize how much I needed it, but God did! Just more proof that God meets us right where we are at!
Rachelle, thank you for joining us for this study! I knew this would be a great study and have been looking forward to it, but I did not realize how much of an impact it would have on me. I always stand amazed at His timing.
Thank you for sharing this with us Greer. I pray this will be a comfort and bring hope to many. This study had been so good and each blog post has just been so timely.
Shannan, isn’t it amazing how God works? His timing and lessons are truly amazing. I knew this study would be a good one for me, but I hadn’t realized how much of an impact it would be. Thank you so much for joining us!
I have not struggled with infertility – but I have faced other losses and deep disappointments – we all have. The message of these passages and this blog ring true in my heart. In my times of deepest distress God has allowed me to draw close – and He has become my delight! Thanks for sharing your story and these truths with us!
Gail, you are so right when you mention everyone having losses and deep disappointments. I have been single and divorced for 10 years now and I raise my son by myself and honestly this week has been a struggle for me. I want a companion, I want a leader for my home, and these passages this week has hit home that while I am constantly asking God, I am not really leaving it to Him and trusting him. Thank you for your response and for reminding me that God should be my focus and my delight and everything else will fall into place in His time. Thank YOU for sharing with us today.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful broken story. I also experienced miscarriage and infertility. I am choosing to draw closer to the Lord. Trials can bring a deeper spiritual life if we allow them.
Dawn, trials are what bring us closer to the Lord. Prayers for you today for all you have suffered.
Thank you Greer for sharing your story. Personally your story was a reminder for me. I am 40yrs old and my husband is younger and he wants a child. I have two children from a previous marriage. My husband and I have been trying for 3yrs to conceive. Through all of the stumbling blocks in our way I am truly waiting on God to allow His Will to be done. I have gotten to the place where my trust is fully in Him. This study is such a good one personally. Thank you all.
Tasha, thank you for sharing your story with us. I pray for you today. One of the hardest things for me to do is to fully release my troubles and wants to Him and trust in His timing. This study has been an eye opener for me in more than one way. Thank you for joining us!
Angel Torres
My heart just melts and tears fill my eyes when I look upon your words Greer. I praise Him for His great unending goodness. I may not have been infertile but my marriage was. That dark time in my marriage caused such a change in me that I will forever praise Him fir using my husband’s infidelity to draw me closer and make me stronger and whole again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your passion fir this ministry. God is blessing your story and using it to impact many
Thank you JoAnn for sharing your story with us. I am so glad that during your time of trouble you drew closer to God rather than away. You are an inspiration and I am praying for you today. Thank you for joining us.
Wow! What an amazing story! I am experiencing infertility for years and although I have not sought treatment etc, I pray that all my negative thoughts about I cannot get pregnant will be instead “I can get pregnant in Jesus’ name..
I fully understand your struggle, Angie. My husband and I have been trying to conceive since 2008. Like Greer experienced above, I found that I was putting the idea of having children before my relationship with God. It has taken a lot of tears and prayer, but I can finally say that I have grasped 1 Peter 5:7 that says to “cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you” and have cast the worry, the anxiety, the stress, of trying onto Him because ultimately it is only Him that can make me pregnant anyways! I will be praying for you!
Greer, your words here today comforted me in the deepest way. Love you, friend. xo
Greer’s story is in many ways a reflection of my own – the trying, waiting, treatments, early miscarriage and subsequent feelings of despair. My husband and I have been trying to start a family for over 12 years. We have yet to receive our precious miracle, but the strength I have received from God to go through this trial and the increasing closeness and trust in him I am gaining through this are also precious treasures I don’t believe I would have experienced otherwise. God is good. Always.
We are so very blessed to have times that draw us into a deeper relationship with our Lord. Your time of waiting is showing your steadfastness and trust. I’ll be praying for you and your husband and that you receive many more treasures.
This is just about the same story I have. Now we are blessed with 3 here on earth children ages 13, 11, & 9 and have had 5 miscarriages. God does draw you closer to him through your pain. I remember bei g on my knees crying out to the Lord, I knew I was suppose to be a Mama after the first 3 miscarriages we had our 1st son. God uses us we just have to wait and seek him
Lisa and Wen,
Thank you both for sharing your stories with us and for joining the study! Please know that you and your families are being lifted in prayer. God always provides for us in His time and His way. Being human, it is so easy to be like Sarah and try to fix things in our way, but ultimately we get in our own way….Just let go, have faith and LET GOD! The struggles we face in this life aren’t easy, but we never have to face them alone. God Bless You!
Thank you for this. This article was perfectly timed as just this morning I found out I have gone another month without getting pregnant. Although technically I am not yet considered “infertile” the emotions that come each month are exhausting and overwhelming. I find myself relying on tests and calendars and planning, and I’m beginning to realize I just need to stop and rely on the Lord to carry me through and reveal His plan to my husband and I (whether that’s having children or not). This post was very encouraging and just what I needed today, thank you!
Thank you for your courage in sharing this story and I thank God for using you to encourage many of us who have and are going through deep hurts and disappointments. My story is a different kind of infertility. Often times after people go through it, people forget the anger, frustration, bitterness, and depression we feel. These words made me feel like I’m not alone. At first, I also unknowingly withdrew from Him. I was trying different things to help myself. I tell myself of things that will help me not to long for a child, but in the end they were all unsuccessful. I still deep down inside have that longing to be a mother but I am learning to trust in God, His goodness and faithfulness despite whether or not I will ever be a mother. God is close to the brokenhearted and He is and will redeem me from my brokenness.
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