Destined For Deliverance
I finally admitted I was powerless.
My life had become unmanageable. I had been in denial for well over two years not wanting to accept reality. On that day, I knew that only a power greater than I could restore my life to sanity. Over a period of weeks, as God explicitly instructed me, I traveled down a path that allowed me to see Him, feel Him, and ultimately turn my will and life over to His care completely and without condition.
There wasn’t any one incident in my life that set me up for alcoholism. I came from a great family, I didn’t drink in high school nor did I drink excessively in college. There was no deep, dark past to haunt me. I was saved and baptized at 17 and my understanding of God and His love for me was strengthened when I met and married my husband. His daily devotions and continual prayers were something I watched and wanted. He has always led by example, sharing testimony, words of hope and encouragement and passages of Scripture with me and our children. He has always demonstrated such patience, peace and contentment, and I wanted that for my life.
We have gone to church for as long as we’ve been married. We’d tried Sunday school classes and Bible studies. We’d been involved in the church preschool since its inception with me volunteering and our three children attending. Some of our closest friends have been mentors to us, and we have collectively raised our children together in the church. At home we pray, read devotions at night and reference God’s promises whenever counseling them in times of trouble. I can honestly say I have thought about God every day for almost 20 years, but I wasn’t acting upon the very things I was teaching my children.
For eight years I did a slow fade into addiction.
I was doing all the things I was supposed to do as a wife and a mother. For the first five years of our marriage we never had alcohol in our home. It began with a glass of wine during dinner prep. That slowly increased to a bottle of wine a night and over the course of two years increased to two bottles a night. I started drinking earlier on Saturdays and missing out on my children’s events because I’d fallen asleep.
My husband was concerned because he did not drink in quantity or as frequently as I did. I tried in many ways to control my drinking. I limited my drinking to only weekends, and I took alcohol out of the house completely and sought out an addiction counselor only to lie to him about my sobriety. The last thing my counselor did was to encourage me to share my story with someone. I resented it. I told him I was tired, no one understood me, and I was not going to share my addiction with anyone. Women like me were not alcoholics.
He encouraged me to tell my pastor.
When the counselor encouraged me to speak with my pastor, I agreed to do so because there were no concerns that I couldn’t share with him. I did wonder how I’d ever have the opportunity to meet with him as we have 1,700 people in our church. I sent him a text and was surprised when my pastor and his wife readily agreed to meet. Over dinner, I shared with them about my alcoholism and the response was simply, “How can we help you?”
I said, “I want you to find someone like me.”
I explained that I wanted another woman, a mom, who understood my situation. Initially my pastor said he didn’t know anyone. He then called the next day to say he remembered a woman who told of a cousin that opened a private recovery center. I got on the computer and opened the link to the center and was flooded with emotion. I knew in an instant I would be going there but wondered how I could ever leave my family to receive treatment. Many thoughts came into my mind. What will I tell our three children? Who will watch them? What will I tell my friends, and what will they say?
God orchestrated it beautifully.
My husband remembered he had a project at work that would consume the better part of two weeks and the children were enrolled in a kid’s camp. With the family cared for, I went to the private recovery center run by a couple who themselves had more than 20 years of sobriety. They said God had called them to open their home to women in need of recovery. I joined six other women there whose stories were all similar to mine. Electronics were not permitted. I did not see my children for 15 days, and I saw my husband only once per week. I found it to be a spiritual experience.
I spent hours meeting God for the first time.
I had always known and believed in Him but didn’t have an intimate relationship with Him until eight months ago. I was learning about myself and in the process began a journey of faith and dependence upon God unlike anything I’d ever known. Since I’ve been sober, I have given testimony at church and God has led several other women to sobriety through my story.
I’ve come to view my alcoholism as my thorn in the flesh. Paul speaks of it in 2 Corinthians 12:7. Through this struggle I’ve leaned into God and my prayer life has been magnified. What I am learning in recovery and through this experience has been such a blessing, and I am so thankful!
I began the Love God Greatly Bible study on Prayer in January. I downloaded the Prayer Bible study journal, do my daily S.O.A.P. and read the blogs. I’m still learning to be more extroverted in my spiritual life and am not yet
comfortable talking about it in a group. I am open with the women I met in recovery and have small groups with them, but I am not in a formal Bible study group right now. I’ve connected with some women of faith through Alcoholics Anonymous. My sponsor is a believer and we’ve already entertained the idea about us doing a Love God Greatly group with some of the women in my life.
I read stories about others who have struggled with addiction. I get overwhelmed because many tell of personal tragedy and loss before sobriety. I haven’t lost anything….my husband, children, friends and family have never left me. I have been blessed beyond measure to be delivered and redeemed of this. The least I can do is talk about what God continues to do for me.
“It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.”
Alyssa Adkins, Cincinnati, OH
Post written by Joan, LGG Leadership Team Member
Did you miss last weekend’s #WomenofLGG Post? Click here to view!
Alyssa thank you so much for sharing your journey. God works in amazing, wondrous ways. He truly leads us to where we need to be. I don’t know what I would’ve done without Him through the years. Although I’ve always leaned on God I feel that just over the last year I’ve yearned to know Him better. I love to read but yet just couldn’t seem to get “into” the bible. I wanted to become more involved in church but hesitated to take that first step. I began praying that my husband and I would become more involved with church and I really wanted us to become part of a small group as our church is quite large. God has answered those prayers and I am so excited in my new journey to get to know Him better, to have a closer relationship with Him! And I am reading my bible and now I don’t want to read anything else! Having discovered LGG has been such a blessing! Reading how God is working in your life and all the others who have shared their stories is so uplifting. Thank you again for sharing! I will keep you in my prayers.
Blessings, Kathy
Oh, Kathy! I can understand completely. Although I have suffered much from some of the choices I made while drinking, the blessings that have come from it are far greater! I never would have imagined that the shame and guilt I felt while drinking were part of a plan. They weren’t for nothing! The pain I endured was His way of helping me to see WHAT and WHO I needed in my life. I’d always wanted it, but couldn’t “get” it. After I got sober, He asked me to write about it. I fought it because I was afraid of exposure and rejection. But I obeyed simply out of appreciation. I felt like I owed Him more than I could ever repay. He rescued me. The least I could do was tell His story. Although I’ve been sober for almost 7 months, I continue to learn new things. I write about them to continue glorifying His lessons, but also for my own therapy. Feel free to follow my journey as I learn to get acclimated to His word, fellowship with others and instill these precious lessons in my kids. My alcoholism will always be with me, reminding me that I will always need Him. It truly is the thorn in my side.
Still Growing, Alyssa Adkins
http://www.thisthorn.com
Alyssa: thank you for your story. I grew up in a house plagued by alcoholism and though I accepted Christ as my Savior in my late teens, He did not become my LORD until I faced the truths @ myself and my family with the help of an Alanon group! I still find it hard to trust others, which may be good because unless you have experienced the far-reaching clutches of addiction up close, I don’t believe you can understand the shame and guilt involved. Blessings, sister!
God is so good! Thank you for sharing this. Keeping you in prayer!
Alyssa…thank you for sharing your story & your heart! What a testimony you give, and what hope you give for others battling an addiction. My addiction is food. I dont mean to say that food addiction is the same as alcoholism, but I can relate with your emotions & the way it can take over your life. My son is a recovering alcoholic, and he hasn’t had a drink in 7 years, praise God! Bless you on your journey, and thank you again for sharing with us!
I am addicted to food too Connie. I love God, but I sense that our intimacy is hindered by things I put before him….like food. This testimony by Alyssa is encouraging. She said that she never would imagine God working through the guilt and shame to bring her to that place of freedom. Praise God for his mercy! He is carrying all of us
Ladies, please don’t underestimate your “drug of choice”. Satan wants you to believe you aren’t worthy of God’s deliverance. He wants you to think there are other people with worse issues or problems that God needs to attend to. These are all lies. It’s just the enemy’s way of manipulating us into listening to him by believing God is too busy for us. I thought for many years that my drinking wasn’t bad enough to ask for help. Yes, there are people addicted to far worse things in much worse ways than I, but God can heal all. He wants to, no matter how small or insignificant we think our problem. We were created to need Him. And there isn’t a scale on which He rates our need.
Growing with you,
Alyssa
Thank you for sharing! I am struggling with the same problem. Repentance means a change of heart. God doesn’t only want the Marijuana I quit smoking 2+ years ago, He wants my alcoholism and my smoking cigarettes…ALL of me, so HE can use me for HIS purpose. I keep hearing the enemy telling me that my once a week weekend bender are okay, but also feel the guilt of failure the day after I indulge. Climb back into God’s Word, seeking His forgiveness and His help. I suffer from insecurity too, so alcohol makes me more ‘comfortable’ around people. Struggle with the church but sometimes I go somewhere…I struggle to trust many people, and want so much to be transformed by the Holy Spirit moment by moment of each day. I am so grateful for the love God has for me, and I want so much to love Him more and help the dears friends that I see need help getting things done. I can only pray and ask the Lord to show me how I can help them. If we have a willingness to help them, I can’t make them willing to accept my help. They don’t want me to pressure them…so I pray for God to work all things out for our good. I know I will have the absolute joy, and I will praise Him for the answers to prayers when He does! He gets all the glory. He rescued me before, I know He will again!
Hi Connie,
I have two addictions. Gambling coast me everything. I lost all my money and had to file bankrupsty. I am 62 years old and am alone. I had to move out of state after 30 years to move to a state that did not have gambling readily available. I have struggled some this year. This year I choose to say NO!!!!! Ony by the grace of God. I
have a good support system.
Satan wants to destroy us!
We have to stand strong in his promise.
We can beat this!!
Pat
Thank you for sharing. This statement rang so true with me: “Women like me were not alcoholics.” It is so easy to believe we have it all together and that we don’t need help because we are able to keep it together on the outside. But God doesn’t see outward appearances. He looks into our hearts. I praise him that you were able to find help before you had to experience any horrible consequences and I praise him for giving you such a supportive husband, family, and community!!! God is so good!
Thank you for being brave and trusting God as you shared. What a precious testimony of how big our God is
Oh Alyssa thank you so much for sharing!!
My family is traveling the road to recovery as well…we have been very encouraged by a ministry called Celebrate Recovery. Have you heard of it? It is based on the 12 steps of AA and the Beatitudes. It was started by a member of Rick Warren’s Church in California 25 years ago. May God continue to bless your recovery!
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
Reinhold Niebuhr
I would love to talk to you some more, your story has stirred something up. God Bless You! Leslie Warnick. Oakland Md.
Alyssa,
Thank you so much for stepping out in faith and sharing your story. I believe every woman can identify with some aspect of your story because we are all broken and it just manifests itself in different ways. We all need that intimate relationship with Jesus to deliver us!! Praise God for how He has pursued you, and each one of us! Praise Him that He brings us to a place where we cannot fix ourselves and we abandon ourselves to Him – and find the healing we need! I believe God is using you powerfully in your area of brokenness – He will use you to impact your family, friends, and many you won’t meet until Heaven. Hang on to Him girl…you are a trophy of His grace! Your sister in Him, Amy
love it!!! trophy of His grace!!!! beautiful powerful phrase!!! Everything you said Amy is soo spot on!!!
Thank you, Amy!
What a title! I hope I’m helping others. I won’t ever knew everyone I might impact. Some need their journey to be private. I understand that completely. And God meets us each where we are.
With gratitude,
Alyssa
Alyssa, how precious it is that you have reached such a beautiful place of deliverance and freedom and transparency!!!! In the Message it says that we are the God colors of this world, and that the more we open up the more others will open up to Him … (i think matt 5 … not sure but its the verse that says we are salt and light…) I struggle with transparency, and long to have it fully, but I am not there yet… but I am on my way! 🙂 Reading your story was a huge encouragement to me – there are addictions in the body of Christ, and we need brave hearts like yours to share the hope of freedom and deliverance from shame and addiction. Just yesterday, I was interceding and singing over my family very specifically songs of deliverance and freedom, refusing to give in to discouragement, and saw this blog this morning. I know it was God speaking to me, press on, don’t give up, keep believing Him for deliverance!! Bless you for being the glorious God colours in this world!!!! :):)
I too was an alcoholic and have been sober for 11 years this month. However, five years after I was sober, I began a new and unseen addiction which was to pain killers which were prescribed to me for some back pain I had. When I quit drinking I thought that was my problem and therefore that I would be okay. However, the devil knew otherwise and therefore he threw in a new addiction to replace my old addiction. So in February 2010, I finally stood up to the devil and took back all the control he had in my life. It was through a prayer team coming over to our home and praying for my husband and I(my husband went through the same addictions as I did) and us truly granting forgiveness to all the people who hurt us in our lives that we became free. It was a life changing evening of prayer and forgiveness and we will be forever grateful and never let the devil control us again. I honestly didn’t even realize why I was an addict because I didn’t know that unforgiveness of people could be a tool the devil could use to gain access into our lives. I thought the drugs and alcohol were my problem but they were not my problem at all, they were the solution to my problem. So it was only through forgiveness that my husband and I were healed. I therefore want to help others going through addiction as well and am asking God for open doors. God bless you for sharing your story!
I don’t know why it says my name is j but it is actually Jaime McLeod.
Jaime,
Thank you for sharing your story. One of the greatest lessons I’ve been taught happened in my first two weeks of recovery. I was in a private program led by two powerful people who each had 20+ years sobriety. They warned me against becoming complacent or getting comfortable in my sobriety. As soon as I think I’ve got this under control, I lessen my grip on God. Once that happens, the enemy has just enough space to sneak in and reignite those old feelings of self. The feelings that kept me inside my own head nurturing my own insecurities, guilt and shame. In doing so, I could push out God and return to my old ways. I was given this thorn in my side to forever be reminded I need Him to continually help me battle my alcoholism as well as the trials that come in daily living. I am so glad to hear how far you’ve come and what you’ve learned in your relapse. I cannot say I’ll never drink again. I can only say God has relieved me today and that I’ll ask him to again tomorrow.
Feel free to follow my journey. I am sure you can relate to the life lessons I’m learning in recovery. I’ve been blogging about it for a few months now. I hope it glorifies Him, because it’s such a therapy for me.
http://www.thisthorn.com
Learning with you,
Alyssa
So lovely to hear your story in in recovery also 2 years next month .Complacency is so easy , I take one day at a time it’s the only way with God by my side
Hello Sister,
Isn’t the power of God amazing? I share some commonalities with your experiences, having found myself experiencing consequences because of alcohol. First, a funny. No ones an alcoholic till they enter recovery. Before that they’re all just garden variety drunks. A drunk is blissfully unaware that they have both feet firmly on the road to consequences. If you find yourself unable to be still, unable to relax, unable to do nothing and you “enjoy a glass of wine” every now and again, you very well may be a drunk. Nothing wrong with that. Do it till you’re done. Prove to yourself to the deepest degree that there is no correct way to manage habitual escapism and when you find yourself cornered up on your own fences, pray to God for the courage to become an alcoholic. Swallow the pride, remove the preconceptions that those in recovery are “those people” and that “those people” are any different than any other person, that their problems must be less manageable than another individuals, causing them to become an alcoholic or that their alcoholism is any more true or valid than the alcoholism of another person who has not yet come to financial ruin or who has a better support network between them and consequences.
Nay, the cause is much more common and the solution works for a reason. The cause, from a psychological perspective is a superego run amok. The part of us that carries our idealized being, the part that passes judgement on both ourselves and others becomes cannibalistic. God is the ONLY THING that can unseat the belief that we could possibly live in accordance with the edicts of perfection made by the superego and that if we are not in perfect accordance with our perception of perfection then we are unworthy of existing. The belief that we could ever be worthy of salvation drives the failure guilt cycle. We have allowed our impressions of God to replace God. I remind myself of this as I type. We judge ourselves and we judge God and we forget that we have no right to do so. Nobody was promised a bed of thorn-less roses or to be one.
When we believe we have any control we are setting ourselves up. More importantly, when we believe our choices determine whether we will face problems we are setting ourselves up. Stuffs gonna happen. The key to ongoing sobriety is to NEVER become so confident as to put your best player on the bench. When we become so persuaded that we can make the right decision without bothering God with the little stuff suddenly we find ourselves not submitting to God on the big stuff and vexing the imperfections rather than being grateful for the whole.
What you’ve been through is so far from uncommon that I can confidently say more women in recovery are like you than not like you. The reasons vary, the stories are individual, but as women in recovery go, we have a slightly different expression than the men. We’re not just struggling with power and control, but codependency and abuse of power- even just verbal or emotional, past or present. I would even go as far as to suggest at some point you visit an al-anon meeting, I found my sobriety was locked in with amazing conviction when I realized that there are layers to the alcoholic. As women, we often use passive aggression rather than overt control or outrageous misbehavior when we dig into our layers. The mask of the functional alcoholic is well worn. Hit the gym at 5am be on the road by seven, be home by 5:30 to “chill out” The neighbors came over. It was a party. It was the superbowl, it was a barbeque, It’s okay because we’ve done everything we should have done, we handled the crisis, we didn’t act out, did it with a smile on our faces… gave till it hurt, did it for the kids, (oh boy we’re up on the cross now!) but we did it with the intention of keeping score. When we really strip away who we’re trying to control with our good behavior – that we become “good alcoholics” in an attempt to gain control and insight over the choices of others, (taking control of the playing field to control the game) we’re not quite as good as we’d like others to think. Passive aggression – which is why al-anon in conjunction with AA helps women in recovery so much. We tend to move back and forth along a continuum of enabling and abuse, passing through healthy somewhere in the middle but never staying long. Sandwiching the two treats both sides of the problem. My big aha moment was when I realized I was using my ability to control myself in tough circumstances as a way to control others – putting them in positions to blow up, loose control or compromise themselves. Adding alcohol was a way of staking out my boundaries and inviting others to compromise them. I wouldn’t have seen that or been able to admit it had I only done AA. Alcohol was a symptom of the next layer. Admitting that one can use alcohol to prove their “rightness” rather than their wrongness doesn’t always make it to AA because we have to then become aware that one can be as addicted to being right as they can be to any substance – which over time most who remain sober will come to understand and find even deeper faith and humility, but the still struggling would find defeatist.
May God keep you, guide your steps and continue to show you that you are a valuable and vital part of his plan
Mandi!
Yes. Just simply, yes! I love what you say and how you say it. I have been in alanon for 7 years and recently uprooted to move 8 hours out of my comfort zone. I have not found a church or recovery home here yet, and your words spoke to my heart and soul. Thank you so much! Would you be willing to communicate through email? I would love to learn more about your experience, strength and hope?
Thank you for your story. I am an addict, and am having trouble taking that step outside of my comfortable little addict box. I know God has told me to own up to my disease, but I am not very obedient. You’re story is an inspiration and I thank you for stepping out of your box to share. #beblessedbeablessing
Hi Renee,
I pray that you are empowered by God alone or through someone you meet to get help for your addiction. Remember you have a disease that you will never control. Acknowledge this and surrender your will to God. If you let Him, He’ll take you the rest of the way. He is all powerful and deliver anyone from anything. He wants to. Just ask.
Learn more about my story and how God continues to guide my recovery by reading my blog. It’s terribly uncomfortable for me to write sometimes, but He rescued me from the worst of consequences. The least I can do is give Him the glory.
http://www.thisthorn.com
I’m thankful, Alyssa, that you stepped out in faith to tell your story. It clearly resonated with many of us! Addiction is unfortunately a common disease and many of us have it. My nicotine addiction, which almost killed me, is the biggest part of my story of growing closer to God. In fact, because of my intentional focus on God thanks to Nicotine Anonymous, I went from being a tepid believer to a a blow-your-socks off passionate one! Thanks to NicA getting me praying and studying daily, I had my first of many spiritual experiences with God, receiving guidance and love. I often describe my early recovery, 11 years ago, as being hooked to a God-rocket and just hanging on tight for the ride! It was because His grace was sufficient and His strength was made perfect in my weakness. That became my recovery verse: 2 Corinthians 12:9. My true one-on-one adult relationship with God began then, and through it God led me to my church, to many new friends (including the ones who comprise my LGG study group), to continued service in Nicotine Anonymous, and to more blessings than I can possibly count. He also led me back to school to become an addiction counselor. God must have been was preparing me for a year and a half ago, when heroin killed my dear step-granddaughter and addiction would strike a young niece and nephew. His timing is perfect. I’m a grateful recovering nicotine addict, and can’t help but be thankful that this affliction brought me to finally accept the gift of his forgiveness; to finally ‘get it,’ and to refocus my life on loving God and loving others.
I still cling to my razors. To cutting. Is that an addiction?
It can be a compulsion. And it is dangerous. There are other ways to deal with anxiety or pain or whatever trigger a you…Please talk to someone about it.
Angela, thank you for your question. We’d like to encourage you to reach out to a professional counselor specializing in the treatment of cutting addiction. There are resources available for you and others as you journey toward healing and recovery. Also, you might find the Focus on the Family website helpful. There is a specific page (link below) that addresses many issues related to the topic and speaks to the issue from a Biblical perspective. We are grateful for your comment and the opportunity it has provided us to support you in prayer.
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting-challenges/cutting-and-selfinjury/conquering-cutting-and-other-forms-of-selfinjury
thank you for your open and honest story of real life. May God bless you! <3
So awesome Alyssa! Thank you for sharing!
Ashley
Thanks for being so brave to share your story. May God continue to heal you and restore you.
Thank you for sharing your story! What a powerful testimony of God’s never ending mercy! Your story gives hope. There are so many women who need to hear your story of your pain and the of the God who rescued you and loves you. I needed to hear your story. Keep being awesome and keep giving your testimony! Blessings to you and your family!!!!!
Praise the name of the Lord, for He is good, His mercy is everlasting and His truth endures to all generations.
My name is Pastor Vitalys Ongaro from Kenya. I’m the senior pastor of Baraka Altar Ministries in Nairobi, Kenya
Servant of God, please accept us as your brothers and sisters. The church in Kenya uphold your God’s divine teachings that you teach. We enjoy listening your sermons and praising songs. I could love to send you the crusade update and we need your prayer as by now we have a seminar at Baraka Altar Ministries in East Africa Kenya Nairobi Congregation we are longing to invite you to bless us with this such message in your website, and pray for our orphanage too. Thanking you In His Love, Pastor Vitalys Ongaro Phone: +254755362998 OR +254721839455 Box 1554 – 00100, Kenya,